You matter.

I want you to know that, if it wasn’t brought up today, I’m glad you’re here, and I know others are glad you’re here, too. If it wasn’t brought up today: you matter. In the story of the world, you’re essential, even if it’s a hard day, and something you can’t easily see right now. That’s okay if it’s hard to see, but you need to know: I’m glad you exist. ā™„

You don’t need to count all of the reasons you *should* be here. You don’t have to give a reason for your existence, and you don’t have to do ANYTHING to DESERVE to exist. You do NOT have to DO anything to deserve to be happy.

You don’t have to do or be or create ANYTHING to be worthy of love.

You just are. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of good things happening. You are worthy of life.

YOU. ARE. WORTHY. OF. LIFE.

Because I’m very open about these things, friends and fans who have known me for a while know that I have depression and anxiety. You know I’ve been suicidal in the past. You know that I’m on medication now, and–because of medication and my wife’s dauntless love and support–I’m alive.

But, just because I’m on medication doesn’t mean that every day is an Okay Day. Just because I’m writing books I love with my whole heart doesn’t mean I’m always happy. I have EVERY REASON IN THE UNIVERSE to be happy, but that’s not how depression works. Depression tells you that you’re not worthy. That you are, in fact, worthless. That you don’t deserve to live. That you’re taking up valuable resources that other, better people could or should have. That you’re using up oxygen that other things need. Depression tells you all of these things because depression?

It lies.

And it makes you believe those lies.

I heard about someone who was a really good person who committed suicide last night. I heard about it this morning. And though I’m on medication, though I’ve worked through a lot of stuff, though I’m in a better place than I’ve been in a while…my first thoughts, past shock and sadness for her were: wait a second. If SHE thought she didn’t deserve to live, should *I* be alive?

I got it out of my head pretty quickly, but it got me thinking. Those are old, worn grooves that I don’t think are ever going to be removed from me. No matter what happens. No matter how much better I become. Because I’ll always have depression. It’s part of me, like my shadow. I live with it, and I work with it, and I deal with it, and I soothe it. And I’m good at those things.

But, even on a good day, the old ghosts whisper to me, often when they’re least expected.

So I came here to tell you what my wife told me every day of my darkest days. I came here to tell you what is important to be told, because I know–better than most–that what I’m telling you?

It’s a TRUTH.

You are essential. You matter. You don’t have to count up all your accomplishments. You are good enough. You are worthy enough. You are loved.

And that’s the truth.

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About Bridget Essex

Author of lesbian romances; madly in love with my wife, author Natalie Vivien.
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6 Responses to You matter.

  1. Rachel says:

    I’m sorry to hear about your friend. Suicide is a sad issue. One of my best friends killed himself when we were in high school. I have been dealing with depression for years because of it.

    Thank you for your post. Everyone needs a loving message like that.

  2. Jessie says:

    Hi Bridget! My name is Jessie (or Mary to my friends) and I was just on Amazon checking out your awesome books that I would like to purchase! It’s currently 3:15 AM and I should be sleeping probably but I got a writing bug and was writing a meditational story about my beautiful wife to be and I, but the words to say kept escaping me. That’s when I thought again about your lovely books on Amazon and immediately went to your Author’s Page. The first thing that caught my eye is this post you wrote on your blog titled “You Matter.”

    You see I myself am on disability with a mental health diagnosis called Schizo-Effective Disorder. I struggle so much with this “disorder” ( I really think there’s just negative energies at play to be quite honest.) Of course my mental health counselors want me to be on medication but I honestly feel like it doesn’t stop the attacks/episodes and other horrible problems it causes me. I’ve been very suicidal off and on and sometimes wonder if I’ll end up in some mental institution for the rest of my life but I won’t dare to let that happen as it seems like a life sentence to me. Anyway, long story short, I realize more and more I’m not alone, just like you’re not alone.

    You made me feel like I really DO matter and that my life is worth continuing, even in the midst of all the pain and struggling. Thank you SO MUCH for reaching out and caring so much to write to readers (and fans!) like me. You make my heart so full with hope and love for myself and love (platonically speaking, hehe) for you as a wonderful author and now my dear friend who reaches across the web to touch the hearts of the down-trodden and wounded. And I want you to know that you are also VERY DEARLY LOVED and CHERISHED beyond ALL measure! Your literary work is saving my life because the worlds you write into existence make me feel like I can also be the hero, the Knight in Shining Armor! You, yes YOU, are my HERO!

    Thank You for being brave at such a low point in your life. Thank You for being courageous and LOVE-FILLED being that you are! Thank You for creating beautiful worlds for readers/fans to step into and just for a little, escape the troubles of the world. THank You! Maybe one day I can have an autographed book from you, just to lift me up when I’m feeling down and be reminded of your beautiful blog post. Thank You for touching my heart and I hope that I’ve touched yours! If you ever need a listening ear, I’m your friend. My email is mcgrragins@yahoo.com.

    Sincerely,

    -Jessie

    PS. I recently composed a song during a long and depressed episode. It is just instrumental music that I made set to the video of a creek, very relaxing harp music. I invite you to take a listen and bookmark the Youtube video and when you feel down, you can just have a listen and be reminded that I care about you! šŸ™‚

    Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jegE7y_WZPI

  3. Jessica N Stanger says:

    Thank you. Just… thank you. I needed that more then I could ever express.

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